Happy birthday to the greatest person in the world, my Mom, Loretta.
Mom would have been 62 today. I miss her each and every day. It's been really hard lately, due to Mom's bday.
I spent the day in the country, taking in all it's beauty and marveling at Gods handy work.
I've been blessed to have many people to lean on these past months. I know that they care for me and care about my well being as well.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
MISSING MOM
October 1st will be 4 months since mom's passing, and the 13th of October would have been her 62nd birthday.
Words cannot even come close to how much I miss my mom, nor can they comfort me. I think of her each day and wonder if I did everything I could to get her the treatment she so desired.
Mom was more than just my mother. She was always my best friend. Someone I could talk to about absolutely anything. In some ways mom was like the sister I never had. She never told me no and never told me I couldn't. She is the very framework that has made me what I am today. I've had some really strong women in my life that always supported me. Its no wonder that my mom was the way she was. My great grandmother, Alma, was the strongest of them all. We were as close as soul mates as anyone. A strong woman who didnt take shit from anyone, not even the men in her life that took her for granted. My grandmother, Dearlene, that would always listen to what I said and then gave me the ugly truth about everything I needed or didnt need to know. Gran and I are closer now than ever. Its only now, that I've lost 2 of the strongest women in my life that I'm now able to understand why my grandmother is bitter, cautious and most of all loves without judging. Mom was the best of the two of them and I hope that, somehow I can be even better.
I went to bed tonight and couldnt go right off to sleep. My thoughts were with my mother in her last days and I laid there crying. I"m an emotional mess. I know that times heals, or so they say. But I cant imagine ever not missing her or wishing I could have done something more to allow her to still be here. In a lot of ways I feel a strong sense of guilt. I know mom would tell me if she could, that I did everything right. That it was in no way my fault, that cancer sucks and that sometimes, even the good people have to go. I get angry, mad, ragefull and then very sad.
I know that people lose loved ones and they say they understand. I firmly believe that unless you knew the relationship between two people, by living it yourself, you cant come close to understanding how I feel. It took me a long while to get around to these feelings and to start letting them out too. I now know why people pay to talk to someone about their feelings. Maybe I need to talk to someone too. Its just been my experience with it that makes me cringe at the thought of sitting with a total stranger and pouring out my heart and soul just to tell me its a natural thing to do (missing mom).
Mom would have loved having seen me give her another grandchild, I skipped that part of my life. Too late now to rectify it too.
So... What am I left to do? The women in my life have been caregivers, and so, as the others did, here I am caring for my grandmother. She's nearing the end too and it will just be another big hole in my life when shes gone too.
Recently I was in Port Aransas, TX with my partner, Kathy. One of mom's favorite places on the Texas coast. I carry mom's ashes with me in a keepsake vial everywhere I go. I made a small tribute to mom in the sand by carving MOM (with a heart as the "O") wrote the place and date below it and buried some of mom's ashes in the center of the heart. It was just outside the tidal limits. I also let some of her ashes go in the surf. I wanted to stay there until the tide came and washed away what I wrote and it came close a couple of times. But deep inside, I knew I couldn't watch it go, just like it was so hard to let her go on June 1st.
So, here I sit at 1:40am pouring out my thoughts in this blog, still weeping and wishing she would call me. Rambling along like I had good sense, hoping to share some of my pain.
The coming of her birthday is a mere 14 days away and I know that as each day approaches it will be harder and harder for me and others close to mom. God be with us all, as we will all need the strength to make it.
Words cannot even come close to how much I miss my mom, nor can they comfort me. I think of her each day and wonder if I did everything I could to get her the treatment she so desired.
Mom was more than just my mother. She was always my best friend. Someone I could talk to about absolutely anything. In some ways mom was like the sister I never had. She never told me no and never told me I couldn't. She is the very framework that has made me what I am today. I've had some really strong women in my life that always supported me. Its no wonder that my mom was the way she was. My great grandmother, Alma, was the strongest of them all. We were as close as soul mates as anyone. A strong woman who didnt take shit from anyone, not even the men in her life that took her for granted. My grandmother, Dearlene, that would always listen to what I said and then gave me the ugly truth about everything I needed or didnt need to know. Gran and I are closer now than ever. Its only now, that I've lost 2 of the strongest women in my life that I'm now able to understand why my grandmother is bitter, cautious and most of all loves without judging. Mom was the best of the two of them and I hope that, somehow I can be even better.
I went to bed tonight and couldnt go right off to sleep. My thoughts were with my mother in her last days and I laid there crying. I"m an emotional mess. I know that times heals, or so they say. But I cant imagine ever not missing her or wishing I could have done something more to allow her to still be here. In a lot of ways I feel a strong sense of guilt. I know mom would tell me if she could, that I did everything right. That it was in no way my fault, that cancer sucks and that sometimes, even the good people have to go. I get angry, mad, ragefull and then very sad.
I know that people lose loved ones and they say they understand. I firmly believe that unless you knew the relationship between two people, by living it yourself, you cant come close to understanding how I feel. It took me a long while to get around to these feelings and to start letting them out too. I now know why people pay to talk to someone about their feelings. Maybe I need to talk to someone too. Its just been my experience with it that makes me cringe at the thought of sitting with a total stranger and pouring out my heart and soul just to tell me its a natural thing to do (missing mom).
Mom would have loved having seen me give her another grandchild, I skipped that part of my life. Too late now to rectify it too.
So... What am I left to do? The women in my life have been caregivers, and so, as the others did, here I am caring for my grandmother. She's nearing the end too and it will just be another big hole in my life when shes gone too.
Recently I was in Port Aransas, TX with my partner, Kathy. One of mom's favorite places on the Texas coast. I carry mom's ashes with me in a keepsake vial everywhere I go. I made a small tribute to mom in the sand by carving MOM (with a heart as the "O") wrote the place and date below it and buried some of mom's ashes in the center of the heart. It was just outside the tidal limits. I also let some of her ashes go in the surf. I wanted to stay there until the tide came and washed away what I wrote and it came close a couple of times. But deep inside, I knew I couldn't watch it go, just like it was so hard to let her go on June 1st.
So, here I sit at 1:40am pouring out my thoughts in this blog, still weeping and wishing she would call me. Rambling along like I had good sense, hoping to share some of my pain.
The coming of her birthday is a mere 14 days away and I know that as each day approaches it will be harder and harder for me and others close to mom. God be with us all, as we will all need the strength to make it.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Loretta's Celebration
6/9/2012 - Saturday @ 2pm
What a blessed day. We had Mom's Celebration today. Rev. Carol West led us in a tribute prayer and then we released balloon's. We watched as they climbed higher and higher until they could no longer be seen.
Many attended this joyous day in memory of a woman who gave all, to everyone.
I honored Mom early this week with some new ink. She saw the design and loved it.
Thanks to all of you who made this a joyous tribute to Loretta's everlasting memory.
What a blessed day. We had Mom's Celebration today. Rev. Carol West led us in a tribute prayer and then we released balloon's. We watched as they climbed higher and higher until they could no longer be seen.
Many attended this joyous day in memory of a woman who gave all, to everyone.
I honored Mom early this week with some new ink. She saw the design and loved it.
Thanks to all of you who made this a joyous tribute to Loretta's everlasting memory.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Mom came home today
6/6/2012 - Wednesday
Mom's remains were brought home today. I'm glad that she is finally here with me.
There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. It's been hard this past few days, but each day gets a little easier to deal with.
Saturday 6/9/2012 will be her Memorial party, or Celebration of Life.
Mom's remains were brought home today. I'm glad that she is finally here with me.
There has been such an outpouring of love and support from everyone. It's been hard this past few days, but each day gets a little easier to deal with.
Saturday 6/9/2012 will be her Memorial party, or Celebration of Life.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Loretta Belcher 1950-2012
June 1, 2012 @ 6:30
Mom passed away this morning. I prayed so hard Thursday night that God would end her suffering and let her know that we would all be ok.
He answered my prayer. Even though it was hard knowing she was gone and watching them take her away. But I know in my heart she is in a better place and no longer in pain.
I miss her so much.
Mom passed away this morning. I prayed so hard Thursday night that God would end her suffering and let her know that we would all be ok.
He answered my prayer. Even though it was hard knowing she was gone and watching them take her away. But I know in my heart she is in a better place and no longer in pain.
I miss her so much.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
The end is near
5/30/12 - Thursday
I called hospice on Tuesday to have them evaluate mom. They started 24/7 care that day.
Wednesday came and mom is non-responsive when you try and wake her. She's comfortable and not in pain. Her sister-in-law, Pam came to see her as well as her cousins Janice, Brenda, Wanda and Patsy. Carol West, our pastor came and prayed for mom and told her it was ok to go, that God has her now.
Thursday around 9:40 Owen calls to tell me that the Dr can't read her BP. Shes got very labored breathing and a rapid pulse. It won't be much longer now. I called Kent and told him to come home and be with her. I've notified everyone else that it won't be long. Kathy came home from work to see mom & be with me. She stated for awhile and I asked her to go be with Gran. So she's over at Gran's.
Today is mom's only grandson's graduation from high school. I know if she could have gone she would have. I probably won't be going so that I can be here with mom.
I pray that our good Lord eases her body and takes her home to be with our loved ones that have already passed. I know that my great grandmother is waiting with open arms to comfort her.
I called hospice on Tuesday to have them evaluate mom. They started 24/7 care that day.
Wednesday came and mom is non-responsive when you try and wake her. She's comfortable and not in pain. Her sister-in-law, Pam came to see her as well as her cousins Janice, Brenda, Wanda and Patsy. Carol West, our pastor came and prayed for mom and told her it was ok to go, that God has her now.
Thursday around 9:40 Owen calls to tell me that the Dr can't read her BP. Shes got very labored breathing and a rapid pulse. It won't be much longer now. I called Kent and told him to come home and be with her. I've notified everyone else that it won't be long. Kathy came home from work to see mom & be with me. She stated for awhile and I asked her to go be with Gran. So she's over at Gran's.
Today is mom's only grandson's graduation from high school. I know if she could have gone she would have. I probably won't be going so that I can be here with mom.
I pray that our good Lord eases her body and takes her home to be with our loved ones that have already passed. I know that my great grandmother is waiting with open arms to comfort her.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Baton Rouge update.
5/27/12 - Sunday
Mom awoke several times in a little bit of pain. All of which is solved by a little morphine.
She's still sleeping a lot and gets irritated with you when you wake her to help her with pain or something.
Please God, let her make it home tomorrow.
Mom awoke several times in a little bit of pain. All of which is solved by a little morphine.
She's still sleeping a lot and gets irritated with you when you wake her to help her with pain or something.
Please God, let her make it home tomorrow.
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