Introduction

Welcome to my blog about my mom, Loretta, and our journey through learning of her cancer and treatment.

Just a little background. Mom is 61 and hadn't been to a doctor in about 18 years until this past June 2011. The reason for this is due to the surmountable cost of insurance, even when your spouse has insurance it can be cost prohibitive.
So, Mom finally got approved by JPS in June and it was a good thing too, she had Basil cell carcinoma on the bridge of her nose. She underwent surgery to remove the tumor and plastic surgery reconstruction. She also has high blood pressure and Thyroid problems. We thought she was finally getting the attention she was missing and was going to be OK. Boy were we mistaken.
Mom started having some abdominal pain the first of January 2012. After talking with her and the pain getting worse, she finally agreed that she needed to go to the clinic or ER.
The following blog posts chronicle the events since then. Future posts will continue to explain treatment, issues concerning her condition and general comments.
I appreciate you taking the time to learn about what it means to be diagnosed and this type of cancer. Mom has been a trooper so far, she says "I'll beat this".

Saturday, September 29, 2012

MISSING MOM

October 1st will be 4 months since mom's passing, and the 13th of October would have been her 62nd birthday.
Words cannot even come close to how much I miss my mom, nor can they comfort me.  I think of her each day and wonder if I did everything I could to get her the treatment she so desired.
Mom was more than just my mother. She was always my best friend. Someone I could talk to about absolutely anything. In some ways mom was like the sister I never had. She never told me no and never told me I couldn't. She is the very framework that has made me what I am today. I've had some really strong women in my life that always supported me. Its no wonder that my mom was the way she was. My great grandmother, Alma, was the strongest of them all. We were as close as soul mates as anyone. A strong woman who didnt take shit from anyone, not even the men in her life that took her for granted. My grandmother, Dearlene, that would always listen to what I said and then gave me the ugly truth about everything I needed or didnt need to know. Gran and I are closer now than ever. Its only now, that I've lost 2 of the strongest women in my life that I'm now able to understand why my grandmother is bitter, cautious and most of all loves without judging. Mom was the best of the two of them and I hope that, somehow I can be even better.
I went to bed tonight and couldnt go right off to sleep. My thoughts were with my mother in her last days and I laid there crying. I"m an emotional mess. I know that times heals, or so they say. But I cant imagine ever not missing her or wishing I could have done something more to allow her to still be here. In a lot of ways I feel a strong sense of guilt. I know mom would tell me if she could, that I did everything right. That it was in no way my fault, that cancer sucks and that sometimes, even the good people have to go. I get angry, mad, ragefull and then very sad.
I know that people lose loved ones and they say they understand. I firmly believe that unless you knew the relationship between two people, by living it yourself, you cant come close to understanding how I feel.  It took me a long while to get around to these feelings and to start letting them out too. I now know why people pay to talk to someone about their feelings. Maybe I need to talk to someone too. Its just been my experience with it that makes me cringe at the thought of sitting with a total stranger and pouring out my heart and soul just to tell me its a natural thing to do (missing mom).
Mom would have loved having seen me give her another grandchild, I skipped that part of my life. Too late now to rectify it too.
So... What am I left to do? The women in my life have been caregivers, and so, as the others did, here I am caring for my grandmother. She's nearing the end too and it will just be another big hole in my life when shes gone too.

Recently I was in Port Aransas, TX with my partner, Kathy. One of mom's favorite places on the Texas coast. I carry mom's ashes with me in a keepsake vial everywhere I go. I made a small tribute to mom in the sand by carving MOM (with a heart as the "O") wrote the place and date below it and buried some of mom's ashes in the center of the heart. It was just outside the tidal limits. I also let some of her ashes go in the surf. I wanted to stay there until the tide came and washed away what I wrote and it came close a couple of times. But deep inside, I knew I couldn't watch it go, just like it was so hard to let her go on June 1st.

So, here I sit at 1:40am pouring out my thoughts in this blog, still weeping and wishing she would call me. Rambling along like I had good sense, hoping to share some of my pain.
The coming of her birthday is a mere 14 days away and I know that as each day approaches it will be harder and harder for me and others close to mom. God be with us all, as we will all need the strength to make it.

1 comment:

  1. I i decided to share this because i am so glad today and happy that i am alive to see another new day and not just that but also to share the goodnews of how i survived a deadly stage 4 cholangiocarsinoma (bile duct cancer). I was told by my oncologist that i had just 6 months left to live and i was so scared to lose my wife. I was lucky to contact Dr Mrs Aleta who i told all about it and she is the nicest person i have spoken to. She recommended a herbal medicine for her which she took that cured her in less than a month. Well for more info about the medicine and cancer treatment simply reach her on aletedwin@gmail.com she can help you too. Contact her for any form of cancer too.

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